The Silly Twilly Story
by CheesedAndBaconed
Summary: Post TP It all started one bright and sunny day in the Sacred Grove. What could possibly go wrong? Well, Skull Kid for one thing... Warning: Involves muffins, Ilia bashing, and mildly intelligent insanity.
1. Chapter 1

Hello. Welcome to Chapter One of my longest Fanfiction to date, and the first story I have ever posted online. I hope this works... Oh well. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own Zelda, nor do I own anything else I may have referenced. Seriously.

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Chapter 1

One day, Link was walking along the path in the Sacred Grove, when suddenly, Skull Kid jumped out in front of him with his customary laugh.

"Mee hee hee!" Link just sighed as the little forest trickster did a silly dance.

"What do you want?" he asked.

"YOUR SOUL!" Skull Kid screamed, cackling evilly.

"Too bad, the Lakebed Temple stole it already."

"…" said Skull Kid. "I'll have to change my plans, then. Now I want… YOUR HAT!" At this, the crazily grinning creature leaped up and snatched Link's trademark green hat.

"My hat! It is gone!" Link cried, pointing at Skull Kid.

"And you'll _never_ get it back!" Skull Kid screamed, hopping into the air, doing a little spin, and disappearing in a swirl of leaves.

Link just stood there, staring unseeingly at the spot where Skull Kid had been moments before. The little creature reappeared over on a rotting tree stump not far away, grinning as he placed the stolen hat on his head.

"You…" Link said, looking up at the creature, his mouth hanging open slightly, "You… took my hat…"

"Yup!"

"Do… you… realize… what… you… have… done…?" Skull Kid fidgeted nervously. It was never a good sign when someone used that many elapses in one sentence.

"_GIVE ME THE HAT!_" Link yelled, diving at Skull Kid.

"Aaaaah!" Skull Kid screamed, running for his life. Now, Skull Kid knew the Sacred Grove like the back of his hand (and yes, he spends a lot of his time staring at it), but Link had lots of experience in chasing Skull Kids; far, far too much, really. In a few moments, Link had nearly caught the thief.

"Wait!" Skull Kid cried suddenly, grinning, "This is silly! I can warp!" So he did. Link looked around franticly for his hat, muttering under his breath about vengeance.

"Mee hee hee! What's so important about a stupid _hat?_" Skull Kid giggled from the top of a tree as Link spun to face him. Link didn't answer, but began climbing the ivy that was mysteriously growing up the side of the tree… directly to where Skull Kid was.

Skull Kid made a small "eep" sound, and began to quiver in terror, once again forgetting that he could teleport.

"Why d-do you want it b-back so b-badly?" Skull Kid whimpered.

"Because, it's the only thing that protects me from BOTTOMLESS PITS OF DOOM!" Link said, continuing to climb after the terrified thief.

"Oh," Skull Kid said, forgetting his predicament. "I get it!" He dropped the magic green hat down to the Hylian below. "Why do you call them BOTTOMLESS PITS OF DOOM?"

"Because, you see, unknown to most, when you fall into BOTTOMLESS PITS OF DOOM," Link said, pulling his infamous green hat back onto his head, "You drop into a large, labyrinthine, (normally inaccessible) section of the Lakebed Temple that can never be escaped from without my hat. It's maddeningly frustrating, it's also where the Lakebed Temple managed to steal my soul… although what a temple would want with souls, I will never know. Anyway…"

Suddenly, a high-pitched scream of hysterical terror broke the silence of the forest. Link gasped, and dropped from the tree to dash off to the exit of the Sacred Grove.

"THAT'S THE WRONG WAY!" Skull Kid yelled after him, also jumping out of the tree. Link walked back meekly.

"I'll help you!" Skull Kid said, skipping off into the woods. Of course, Skull Kid's idea of helping was taking the longest, most roundabout way to the exit that he could.

"Um, thanks… I think," Link said, frowning.

"You're welcome!" Skull Kid laughed, dancing back into the Sacred Grove.

At the source of that scream was none other than Ilia, Link's childhood friend, a.k.a. Epona's self-appointed nanny. She and Epona were standing at the edge of the purple mist, the former screaming her head off, and the latter was… eating grass, glancing up occasionally as if to say, _shut up, you _IDIOT_._

Link dashed through the deadly purple mist as fast as his lantern would burn it off, until he could see the pair. When he saw that Epona wasn't freaking out, he slowed down. Epona was a very smart horse, and he knew that she knew what real danger was.

"What's wrong, Ilia?" he asked, sighing.

"Oh, nothing! I just wanted to see if you where here, because I knew you'd come and save little old me!" Ilia said with a high-pitched giggle. Link's eye twitched; not a good sign. Something occurred to Link suddenly.

"Hey, how'd you get Epona to come into the woods? Normally, she freaks out at the very _idea_ of this place."

"I don't know. She comes in with me, but I can only come in if Impaz is with me, because the kitties usually steal my purse when I come here, and she's good with kitties. Of course, Impaz can only come in here if all of _her_ cats are here, too, so the Cucco Leader has to come along to make sure that the not-so-Secret Village kitties are okay, so the rest of Hyrule's population of cuccos come too, therefore Fyer and his buddy come to get their cuccos back, so the Zoras get curious and follow, _and this sentence is REALLY LONG_, and Iza and Hena, the tourist attraction people follow to see what's wrong, and…"

"I get the point," Link said, grabbing Epona's reigns. Ilia didn't stop chattering.

"…So then the Ordon Goats have to come in here, and they start turning that dangerous cherry red color and charging into stuff, so Fado, the goat guy that is REALLY incompetent has to follow, but he doesn't do a very good job, so my daddy has to come in here to stop them, but he hasn't any Iron Boots any more, so the Gorons get called in to help, but they can't go up the hill from Hyrule Field to the entrance to Faron because they run out of momentum from rolling, and they're REALLY slow on foot, so the Hyrule Castle Town Soldiers have to come and…"

"Shut up, will you?"

" So, then all the Light Spirits come down to help, but they turn into Light Arrows when they meet, so _that's_ useless, so then Princess Zelda comes along to sort the mess out…"

"If you shut up, I'll buy you something from Malo Mart."

"... That reminds me; then little baby-faced Malo comes in and starts making everybody go broke because he fines us, saying stuff like 'It's illegal to turn into _Dark Beast: Ganons_ here' and…"

Both Epona and Link were glaring at the ditz, about ready to snap; Link's knuckles were white around Epona's reigns, and the normally level headed Epona was pawing at the ground, her ears laid back against her skull. Link tried one last time for peace: "Ilia, I'll bake you muffins if y-"

Ilia was in his face at once, with an impossibly sized grin plastered onto her face. "MUFFINS? Muffins? _Muffins, _**muffins**, muffins,_**MUFFINS?**_ Where are the delicious, warm pastries? What flavor, how many, how long'd ya bake them for? O' muffins, sweet muffins…"

"_Scary."_ Epona said. Link, of course could understand her ('cuz he's a wolf).

"That is an understatement," he muttered under his breath to his horse. To Ilia he said, "Yes, yes, I'll bake you muffins, but only if you _SHUT UP_!"

Ilia had never been quieter in her entire life. She bounced in place, a pleading puppy-dog look in her eyes. Link turned around and tugged Epona after him, and out of Faron Woods, with a mute Ilia following close behind.

Link whistled happily as he moved around his house, collecting the various ingredients that he would need for the coming challenge of… BAKING MUFFINS! Ilia was standing in the corner, wide eyes tracking him across the room. Unnoticed by either of them, he was whistling the song known as _Zelda's Lullaby_, which he had once howled as a wolf to unlock problems in the Sacred Grove.

"Mee hee hee!" Skull Kid said, sticking his head through Link's window, "What are you doing?"

"Why are you here?" Link asked, looking up from what he was doing, which was stirring up muffin batter. By doing this he caused a single drop of batter to spill out onto his wooden table. In her corner, Ilia clutched at her throat while twitching erratically and pointing at the tiny speck of unbaked yummy-ness. She stuck to her word though, and remained silent.

"What's up with _her_?" Skull Kid asked, crawling through Link's window. "And to answer your question? I just got the strangest urge to find something here. Like I had no choice."

"Eh, I don't care. Now that you know my hat's secret, you can come over anytime. Ilia, here, is going to be silent until I give her muffins."

With a clunk, Skull Kid fell down Link's ladder and onto the ground, where he lay there, still watching the Chosen Hero stir the batter. "What are muffins?" He groaned, pulling himself from the floor, only to be knocked back down by Ilia, who was nearly throttling him, her jaw working soundlessly as she tried to express her alarm at his ignorance of her revered food without breaking her unspoken promise.

"You can have a muffin once I'm done, if Ilia will let you have it." Link said, pouring the batter into a pan he had bought from Malo Mart, (because he was smart). He stuffed it into the oven that had mysteriously appeared in his house after he had returned from Arbiter's Grounds (A/N: _Not the first time, just after you first get the Master Sword. It's after the second time, after beating Ganondorf)_, along with a refrigerator, and a bed.

Ilia let go of Skull Kid, (who collapsed, and took several deep, desperate gulps of air), and spun around, doing a delighted wiggle, that was not unlike Beth's trademark movement, and hopped in front of the oven, where she started to stare at the door unblinkingly.

"Meeah. Heah. Heh." Skull Kid panted, "I take it she likes muffins."

"What could have _possibly_ tipped you off?" Link asked sarcastically, pulling Skull Kid to his feet. Ilia was silent.

_15 minutes later (a.k.a. the author's too lazy to write fifteen minutes worth of stupidity)_

Clink, clank, clink, clank, _rowr? Mreheheh!_

Link burst up from the table, yelling, "POE!" and pointing to where the sound was coming from: the oven.

"…That's not a Poe."

"Hmm? Oh, I know. I'm just good at listening for Poes, so I figured if my oven buzzer sounded like a Poe, I would automatically hear it." Link said, opening the door and grabbing the muffins from the oven.

"Shouldn't that have burned your hands?" Skull Kid asked past the drool that was dripping from his open mouth.

"Yes, but I also should have been incinerated in the Goron Mines, so therefore, I hopefully should be able to hold a hot muffin pan with my bare hands."

"Ah, touché."

The second Link set the muffins down on the table, Ilia was upon them, stuffing them into her mouth, one after another. Skull Kid and Link barely managed to snag three before the ravenous girl consumed the entire pan. Skull Kid nibbled at his muffin tentatively, before grinning widely and popping the entire thing into his mouth.

"Mmph, 's gud!" he mumbled past his mouthful. Link nodded in agreement. Skull Kid reached greedily for the last muffin, before he gasped and stiffened.

"What's wrong?" Link asked.

"It's… MAJORA'S MUFFIN!" Skull Kid screamed as he pointed at the muffin that he had wanted only seconds before. It was a purple muffin with little yellow spikes and big, orange eyes.

"Hah, fools! I have succeeded in possessing this muffin! (Although how everyone failed to notice me is a mystery)." The muffin squeaked menacingly.

"I noticed," Ilia said, happy that she could speak again, "But I thought you where just a pretty-colored muffin!" Skull Kid looked at her like she was an idiot, which she was.

"Wait a sec. Majora's… **Muffin**? Isn't that just a tad… y' know… silly?" Link asked, an incredulous look on his face.

"Are you implying that my (totally-not-a-knock-off-of-my-real-title) name is STUPID?" Majora squeaked, hopping up and down on the table with rage.

"Yup," Skull Kid and Link said in unison.

"I'LL GET YOU FOR THAT!" the muffin screamed, hopping angrily towards Link. Ilia, however caught the little muffin and began petting it, cooing in a sticky-sweet voice; "Aaaaw, aren't you just the cutest little thing? I'm going to take you home and name you Timmy. And you'll be my Little Timmy-Muffin, and I'll take good care of you, and…"

"Wow, I think that this is the first time that Ilia has actually been useful in her _life!" _Link said, his eyes wide with belief.

"Let me GO!" Majora yelled, "I'll get you for this!" Ilia laughed and grinned like an idiot before running out Link's door with her newfound friend.

"Ilia there's a-"

WHUMP!

"-ladder…"

"Hey, who put a cliff _here?_" Ilia pouted from outside. "Hey, come back here, Timmy!" As the sounds of Ilia's clumsy, stumbling gait faded as she headed back into Ordon Village, both Skull Kid and Link heard the unmistakable cry of a distraught muffin.

_"Nooooooooooooooooo!"_

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A/N: Well, there it is. I certainly hope _somebody_ liked it. Um... Reviews and suggestions are certainly appreciated. :)

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	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Alrighty, I'm back! Thank you, Peaches732, for your review and favorite!

To understand this next chapter you MUST read this for reference: Soup-Guy is the nickname my friends and I gave Yeto, that Yeti that was making the soup from the Reekfish. Similarly, his wife, Yeta, was named the Blanket-Lady. And Sheik is a guy here, OK? If you see something saying 'she' in reference to Sheik, let me know, because originally, I was writing him as Zelda. But now he's not.

Oh, and Mr.Nay Nay is the nickname a friend of mine gave his horse, who's real name is Epona.

Chapter 2

Link yawned and stretched as he shuffled across his floor to his refrigerator. Last night, Skull Kid, a Stalfos from Arbiter's Grounds, Ooccoo, several squirrels, two monkeys, and Epona had all played card games until Ooccoo Jr. had fallen asleep and they all returned to their respective homes.

FLASHBACK!

"_Aw, great! How am I supposed to get back to the Gerudo Desert without scaring the Cannon Guy half to death?" the Stalfos groaned, staring down at its rotted, skeletal body._

UN-FLASHBACK!

"Uhn… need milk," Link groaned, rubbing the sleep from his eyes, and opening the innocent-looking door to the refrigerator.

Link's morning routine was abruptly cut short as several strips of bacon were flung at him by the refrigerator, accompanied with a cry of "BACON'D!" More correctly, _someone _IN the refrigerator. Link dove for cover behind a convenient table, overturning it and crouching down until it seemed impossible that his assailant had any more bacon to fling.

Very cautiously, Link leaned out to see who – or what – was attacking him. In his refrigerator, wearing form-fitting blue clothes, was a figure. The person had short, blonde hair, red eyes, a white hat, and a white veil that covered most of their face. It was completely impossible to tell whether it was a boy or a girl.

"Uh, who are you, and what are you _**doing**_ in my refrigerator?" Link asked.

"I'm Sheik, of the Sheikah. I'm living in here, of course. What does it _look _like I'm doing?" Sheik gestured around at the other items in the fridge. There was a pillow, countless packages of bacon, a fuzzy blanket, a toothbrush, some toothpaste, a yellow bottle with "Mean Mr. Mustard" scrawled on it, a harp, and a wheel of moldy, half eaten Ordon Goat Cheese.

"But why are you living in my refrigerator? And when did you get here?"

"I got here last night, obviously. As for the first question… I don't really know. Maybe I'm guarding this here bottle of milk," Sheik said, waving the item in question at the Hero, "from being poisoned by Ganondorf."

"Oh, okay," Link said before stopping and staring at his visitor with a confused look. "Wait, Ganondorf is dead! I impaled him! …Again! How do you know about that guy, anyway?!"

"Eh, erm… well, never mind that! Ganondorf… well, we never actually saw him die, now did we?" Sheik wiggled his eyebrows as he said this "He always seems to show up again, so, by the Light Spirits, we might as well be prepared for once!" (_Author's Note: REOCCURRING BAD GUY ALERT!)_

"…You make absolutely no sense!"

Sheik threw back his head and laughed. "I will, Hero! Eehehehehehehe! I will!" Sheik grinned, then, and sat back in the fridge. "Now, what did you want?"

"Milk" Link said. Sheik chucked him the bottle, before slamming the refrigerator door.

"How does he _breathe _in there?" Link muttered to himself before uncorking his drink and downing its contents. (After all, Link cannot _exist_ without nummy coughLon Loncough Ordon Milk!)

Unnoticed by the Hero, a dark, looming shadow was slowly creeping up behind him. Now, Link would _normally_ notice this, but the milk consumed his full attention. As the shadow drew closer and closer, it resisted the urge to either break into a monologue about how pathetic Link was, or laugh evilly. Or both.

Just as it drew a large, faintly glowing sword from beneath its cloak, and was about to stab the preoccupied milk drinker, Sheik burst out of the refrigerator, hurling the entire stock of bacon and the wheel of cheese at the shadow, screaming:

"CHEESE'D and BACON'D!"

"Hey, ow! Owch! That hurt! Oh, the humiliation!" Ganondorf (for of course, it was he) shouted, falling out of his handy disguise of The Ominous Creeping Shadow™.

"Wah, it's Ganondorf!" Link cried, pointing at his worst enemy.

"You don't say?" Sheik said sarcastically, panting heavily and squinting one red eye at the self-proclaimed King of Evil.

"The _humiliation!_" Ganondorf said again, pulling himself off of the floor.

"Shut up!" Sheik screamed, flinging another piece of bacon at the Gerudo, causing him to stagger backwards.

"You will pay for your insolence with your lives!" Ganondorf yelled, brandishing his awesome glowy-sword, "The history of light and shadow will be written in blood-"

Ganondorf's inevitable monologue was cut short as a startling guitar riff shattered what little peace the morning had left.

"What? What was that?" Sheik peered curiously out the front window of the house.

"Muahahaha! ROCK ON!"

There, between the little patch of dirt in front of Link's house and the winding path that lead to Ordon Village, was a death metal band.

The name _Black Stallord_ was emblazoned on the base drum and the band member's ripped clothes and dark sunglasses. The drummer was very large, didn't appear to have any arms, and wore a pink, blue and white patchwork quilt. The lead singer was very, very short and had chubby cheeks, the bassist wore a weird green jumpsuit, and the very scrawny guitarist wore a red uniform with a tall red cap.

However, there was a fifth person among the group, someone who obviously was just stopping by (because he didn't wear ripped clothes _or_ sunglasses), and was holding the guitar guilty of creating the noise. And he was the one in the fit of maniacal laughter.

"Thanks for letting me do that, guys… And girls," he said, handing the still vibrating guitar back to the chubby singer.

"You're welcome, Dark," said the drummer, before giggling her signature giggle. Dark nodded absently as he turned to look at the tree house behind him.

"Let's see whom I so rudely awakened," he said humming absently as he climbed up the ladder. Sheik and Link beat the _mysterious_ cough, cough visitor to the door, flinging it open, and staring at the person with wide eyes. (Or, in Sheik's case, eye; I don't think he can see with all that hair in front of his face!) He had white hair, a black tunic, red eyes, and he looked almost exactly like Link.

"Oh, hi. I'm Dark. I see you're awake!" Dark said as he looked at the two people in front of him. (He is just Dark. Not Dark Link. That's a wholly unoriginal name! Blame Navi!)

"Erm, yes," said Link. Dark examined the Sheikah and the Hylian, frowning unhappily.

"But I didn't wake you up. Curses! This is what I get for not hurrying…" he muttered crossly. "Oh well. Let's see… Ahem… I have been sent by Prince Ralis to ask for your help."

"Help in what?"

"Eradicating a particularly violent strain of aquatic Moldorms. They've stolen his headdress, and are befuddling tourists in Crossbow Training. When they're aquatic it's SO much worse, you know."

"Hem, haw…hem, haw…"

"AND, might I add, good sir, that they are NOM NOM NOM-ing our Reekfish! Zora's Domain just ain't the same without that delicious whiffy smell. Plus, Soup-Guy is having violent urges."

"Tut tut tut."

"And…when Soup-Guy ain't happy, NO ONE'S happy."

"Tsk…"

"PLUS THEY'RE FREAKIN' UGLY!! JUST TRY TO RULE A RACE WHEN ONE O' THOSE SUCKERS POPS UP IN YER FACE!!"

"Hrm…"

"ARE YOU GOING TO SAY ANYTHING BESIDES VARIOUS TRANSITORY NONSENSE WORDS??"

"Uh…"

"THE HERO OF TWILIGHT IS SUPPOSED TO BE REASONABLY INTELLIGENT!!"

"Erm…"

"That's it. I'm gonna' go fetch Ilia. She could do the job with her blathering prattle." Dark spun around and stalked away from the Hero of Twilight and the Last of the Sheikah.

"Aurgh!" Link yelled, "_no!"_

"What's wrong?" Sheik asked.

_"_What's wrong? What's _wrong? WHAT IS WRONG?!"_

"Stop repeating yourself."

"He's about to unleash the terror of Ilia on Zora's Domain!" Link screamed. Sheik had no time to question him any further, because he rushed out of the house. Sheik gave one last suspicious glance back at Ganondorf before hurrying away to stop the Shadow.

Dark knocked on Bo's front door, grumbling angrily to himself. He pretended to perk up when Ilia's father opened the door.

"Hello, my good sir. I am here to ask for the assistance of your daughter in saving an entire race from aquatic monsters and enraged Yeti."

Bo said nothing.

"It is of great importance that she assist me in this task!"

"…Hey, Ilia! Link's here, and I think he's asking you out on a date!" Bo said, turning back and calling into the house. While Dark gasped and recoiled in horror at the suggestion, a delighted squeal echoed ominously from the depths of the house.

"Ah, Mr. Mayor, Sir! Please, that's not-"

"Oh, _Link! _You're _so_ romantic! Where are we going?" Ilia squealed, bouncing up and down. Majora's Muffin gazed desperately at Dark with huge orange eyes from the cage of Ilia's arms.

Swallowing the bile rising in his throat, Dark forced a smile onto his face that ended up looking like a pained grimace.

"Zora's Domain."

"_Ooooh!_ Zora's Domain! How _beautiful!_ Oh, daddy, can I go? _Please?"_

"Of course, dearest." Bo said. How did he stay sane with THIS living under his roof?! Most likely, he didn't.

"Oooooooohh but Link, can I bring Timmy-Muffin?" She said, looking up at him with ridiculously large, wavering eyes and a quivering lip. Dark gagged but held a toothy expression on his face that in no way could be seen as anything but an expression of hatred. Unless you were Ilia, of course. He was about to say no, but "Timmy" looked so terrified of being left behind with Bo, that Dark gave in.

"Yes." He spat.

"_EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! THANK YOU!!"_ She shrieked. Dark cringed. Perhaps he shouldn't have given up on the Hero so early… but it was too late now. Turning away from the father and daughter and muffin, Dark summoned his horse: Mr. Nay-Nay. The demon-horse gave the situation a good once-over and then glared at Dark with one glowing red eye.

"_Don't blame me, boy! I have to keep up my end of the deal!" _ He hissed to his horse. Mr. Nay-Nay snorted and stamped a hoof, but let it pass. "Now, come on… "

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A/N: I'm so happy that this story is finally going up! It started September in first period last year... and it evolved into this! Just look what happens when your teacher gives you easy assignments and a computer.


	3. SORRY!

Ok, there really isn't a good explanation on my part for not writing more, I know. I actually had chapters three and four all written up… but as I reviewed them one last time, I realized that I hated where the story was going. Chapter three was fine and dandy up until the last bit. At the point I started writing that part up, a friend had come over to my house, and really influenced the writing there. (Read: she wrote it all herself) when I pinpointed that as the problem, I started rewriting from there forward. However, there are a few things I've been trying to include from chapter four (which is in shreds, you should know) that I found highly amusing. The problem? These certain things only make sense _in context_.

Another reason for my blasphemy was purchasing Fire Emblem: Radiant Dawn. It's an awesome game. I highly recommend it. However, I don't think that I've even _looked_ at any Zelda game in over_ two _months. This. Is. BAD.

On The Bright Side: I now have a plan for our little group! Maybe we'll have an actual antagonist soon! They may get out of the Forest Provinces in the next few chapters! YAY.

I promise a new chapter in the foreseeable future, all right?

With lots of apologies, brownies and the general begging for forgiveness- C&B

P.S (On another note, thank you, x-DragonSoul-x and Jane O'Callaghan, for your reviews and favorite. (I may be bad at updating, but I love all of you who take the time to read this stuff.)


	4. Chapter 3

...I have nothing to say for myself. Nothing at all. I could make a billion and one excuses for why nothing got updated here, but that's just pointless. Sooo... read and enjoy please! And, if you feel so inclined, review.

Oh, on a side note, not all of this was written by me. Can **you** tell what part it was?

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Chapter 3

"Ready in five…" Sheik had never had any experience with something like this. Ever.

"Four…" The goat munched lazily on the grass of the field. Surely these things couldn't stop something that had the Hero of Twilight, the wielder of the Triforce of Courage for crying out loud, worried _this_ much, not even _with_ their vast numbers.

"Three…" The goats looked so innocent, so helpless and gentle…

"Two…" How was this supposed to help in any way? Sheik hadn't a clue.

"One…" He was about to commit a murder.

"NOW, Sheik!" Sheik lunged forward with his katana, bringing the blade down onto the poor, innocent goat's head. This was one of those '_what the heck am I _doing_?" _moments. Sheik had closed his eyes in preparation for the inevitable splash of goat blood.

When it didn't come, he opened his eyes in confusion. The goat blinked up at him, apparently unharmed, and began to glow a horrible cherry red color. Sheik had only seen that color once before. It had involved cuccos, terror, and a near death experience.

Now this goat was glowing at him, along with all nineteen of its kin, in a very similar fashion. This was not good.

"**STAMPEDE!**" Link shouted. This seemed to be some sort of trigger for the goats, and, with furious bellows, they charged in unison towards the horrified Sheikah warrior.

"LINK, YOU IDIOT!" Sheik yelled, dashing toward the open gate, where Link had set a barrier up against the fence.

"Just get in here." He said. Sheik vaulted up and over the fence, into the barricade (nothing more than a few crates and some straw) and huddled next to Link.

The two watched as 20, furious, rampaging, Ordon Goats flung themselves down the hill and into the village below. Several screams of surprise and terror floated up from Ordon Village.

Link grinned sheepishly over at Sheik.

"So… that wasn't too bad, huh, Sheik?" He said, scratching the back of his head. Sheik lunged at the Hero, grabbing him by the neck of his tunic, bringing their faces within centimeters of each other.

"If" Sheik said dangerously, "you _ever_ do that again…you _will_ be hunted down." Sheik touched his dagger to Link's throat for emphasis. Sheik then dropped the Hero of Twilight on the ground and stalked away.

* * *

Dark didn't know weather to feel relieved, enraged, or just extremely annoyed at this new development. Really, the only thing he was sure of was that he _really_ didn't like goats right now.

Especially _Ordon_ Goats.

The goats had knocked him down, running past him as if he hadn't been there. That was fine. He'd been knocked flat onto his back before. The goats had sent Majora's Muffin flying from Ilia's hands. That was just dandy. If the muffin escaped, then good for it. As far as Dark was concerned, the goats could have gone on rampaging until the entire Ordona Province was nothing more than trampled detritus and splintered houses. What he did NOT like were the goats _after_ their rampage.

The goat that had mowed him down seemed to shake off its rage when it hit him, and revert to its normal temperament. Dark was about to spring back up off of the well-packed earth of the path to avoid being trampled by the rest of the herd, when a shadow loomed over him. Dark cringed as the blue goat examined him, letting out a huff of herbivorous breath (the goat, that is, not Dark).

Dark decided that whatever the goat did next was not going to lead to a good situation.

He was right.

The goat sniffed him, seemed to ponder him a moment, and then, it licked his face.

Dark gave a cry of alarm, attempting to scuttle out and away from the horrible, terrible, no good, very bad creature that was trying to eat his face.

"Aww, it likes you!"

It liked him?

Dark didn't care who had said that. All he cared about now was getting away from this… this _creature_ that had the _audacity _to show him _affection_. He sprung up and away from the goat, edging away, past an irritated Sheik, a rather dirt-covered Hero of Twilight, and a highly confused Mayor of Ordon. Away from the awful, dreadful over-affectionate ungulate.

That is, until he bumped into the _other_ goat.

"Aaah-gh-aaah." It bleated. The sound sent a chill up Dark's spine. He was surrounded. A quick glanced confirmed this. He was _completely _surrounded.

On some inaudible signal, the goats moved forward, smothering him with affection.

Dark did not like goats. Especially when they were from Ordon.

* * *

"Eh, don't you think we should help him?" Sheik asked, glancing at the writhing mass of animals, from whence several muffled shouts of "GET OFF, YOU STUPID GOAT!" and "AUGH, NO, NO, NO! THERE NEEDS TO BE A LAW AGAINST THIS_!!!_" came.

"We can't. They won't let him up until… oh, sundown. I know. This happened to me once." Link said, shrugging. Sheik's visible eye bugged open.

"_WHAT?!_"

"You heard me. In fact, I'm very surprised that they didn't get you. Maybe they don't like spandex." Sheik was very suddenly thankful to Impaz for giving him these wonderful, magnificent, azure clothes.

"Hmm… what should we do for the rest of the day?" Sheik asked. Link thought about that for a moment.

"Well…" he said, "We could… um… I don't know. Bo?" The mayor shuffled for a moment, scratching his chin.

"Aherm, well… You and yer bud' could go an' look 'round the Forest Temple together. I think my Iron Boots ended up there."

"Why would your boots be in the Temple?"

"Why wouldn't they be in the Temple?"

"…" Link said. "Fine. Sheik?"

"Piffle. There's nothing better to do."

"So… ONWARDS_!!!_" Link said, turning on his heel and walking back to his house. Once there, the two gathered their adventuring equipment. For Shiek, that meant 'Mean Mr. Mustard', a chain whip, throwing needles/knives and a bag of Deku Nuts. For Link, this meant Clawshots, a bow and quiver of arrows, the Gale Boomerang, his sword and shield, a lantern and a _bottle_.

"Ready?" Sheik nodded. "After you." Link said, holding the front door open. Sheik took a breath, straightened up, and declared: "_ONWARDS!_"

"...Wow," Sheik said, "that really _does_ get me into the mood for adventuring! Yay!" Sheik danced a little, before running out the door.

Epona glanced at the two adventurers as they ran off into the woods and shook her head. Idiots, all of them.

* * *

"Link…" Sheik began as the bright green light of the forest faded behind them. "There's something I've always wondered about Faron Woods."

"What's that?" Link asked, dodging the keese that frequented the entrance of the Forest Temple.

"Well," Sheik said, "have you ever noticed how little undergrowth there is in the forest? And how few trees there are? There are just a few sparsely distanced deciduous trees on and around steep, sudden cliffs and… grass. It's like… the Amazing Non-Forest!" Link blinked in surprise as he considered that.

"You know? You're right." Link said. "So… we're going to be looking for a pair of Iron Boots in the Non-Forest Temple, right?"

"EXACTLY."

* * *

The two adventurers made it through the entrance room with only one minor hitch. That hitch was: Sheik was deathly scared of Skulltulas, and fainted when a particularly large specimen dropped down from the ceiling.

"You've _got_ to be kidding me." Link moaned, grabbing the inert Sheikah and dragging him away from the rather confused-looking arachnid. Off to the side, Link drew a bottle that contained a glowing pink fairy, popped the cork, and set the little creature to work. However, even after the fairy had disappeared in a swirl of sparks, Sheik still lay unmoving upon the deteriorated wooden floor.

Link looked incredulously at his fellow adventurer. Only after 3 fairies did Sheik's red eyes crack open to see the dark interior of the temple… and a _very_ aggravated looking Hero of Twilight.

"Oops." Sheik said. Just then, the spider responsible for this entire mess started to creep up behind the two. Link grabbed Sheik by the collar of his shirt and dragged him off towards the main room.

"BLASTED SHEIKAH! Are you bloody IMMUNE to fairy magic?" Link ranted, pulling the afflicted warrior behind him, "I used all 4 of my reserve fairies attempting to revive you from your arachnid-induced coma!"

"I… um… well… sort of…" Sheik meeped, glancing nervously from side to side. Link whirled around and glared.

"From now on," Link declared, "you will be required to sign a Pre-Adventuring Waiver, and will be required to specify oddities such as this." Sheik nodded vigorously before finding himself dumped upon the ground in a fashion similar to the way he had released the hero earlier that morning.

"But I thought it was common knowledge," Sheik said, rubbing the back of his head, "Fairies withhold most of their healing properties from us Sheikah because of an ancient blood feud!"

"What?" Link said, pondering the mechanics of fairy warfare. He was having problems picturing this, seeing as tiny, winged balls of light wielding swords, hammers, and battle-axes did not spring easily to the mind. Sheik eagerly continued.

"You see, the only thing that can properly revive a Sheikah _now_ is an anti-fairy. Anti-fairies look like black cubes with keese-like wings that absorb light."

"And where might one _find_ an anti-fairy?" Link asked.

"Oh, obviously in Anti-Fairy Springs." Sheik answered. Link decided that it was best to drop the subject. The two adventurers were too busy pondering this to notice the malevolent shadow creeping up behind them.

Although a very similar thing had happened to Link that very morning, and both he and Sheik were _supposed _to be highly skilled warriors, alert to the wind in the grass or something silly like that, they somehow didn't hear the distinctive *****clang* *clang* *clang* of _something_ approaching. _Something_ with more evil per capita than a melty popsicle that runs down your hand in rivulets on a blisteringly hot day in August, when the swimming pool is closed for maintenance and all your friends are on vacation and—

"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!"

* * *

Ah, chapter 3 done! If I can get caught up in math class soon, a chapter _should_ be written within... a few weeks? Probably less, now that my winter sport is over. Swimming is cooler than I know what to do with.


End file.
